Faithfully Uncool with Jasmyne Michelle
Faithfully Uncool with Jasmyne Michelle
The Forceful Rest of Grief
What happens when grief reshapes your entire world? In this unique episode I share my deeply personal journey of navigating the loss of my mother during Holy Week 2024.
I pray this episode brings you comfort and hope, especially if you're also experiencing a grief journey. All love and appreciation to those who listen. Go in peace.
Stuff that’s helped me feel a bit less “griefy” and more “hope-y”:
Untangle Grief (online bereavement groups, also has IG page) - https://untanglegrief.com
Good Mourning: https://goodmourning.com.au
Magic Hour with Taylor Paige: https://magichourpod.com
Stages of Grief: https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#5-stages
Sensual Faith by Lyvonne Briggs
Briggs, Lyvonne. “ Sensual Faith: The Art of Coming Home to Your Body. Convergence Books, New York, New York, 2023.
Honorable Mention: The grief-fiest album "The Tortured Poets Department" by Taylor Swift and the song "I Hate it Here"
About Faithfully Uncool:
Site: www.faithfullyuncool.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/faithfullyuncool_podcast/
Email: faithfullyuncool@gmail.com
Hey everyone, my name is Jasmine, and welcome to Faithfully Uncool, my little corner of the internet where I talk about Christianity, spirituality and life. I often find myself overthinking, overanalyzing or nerding out about my faith, so I figured I may as well do what all good nerds do and make a podcast. No matter where you are on your spiritual journey Christian, a different believer or undefined I'm happy you're here and hope you learn something new for the road. So, hi everyone, I am tuning in from my birthplace, at least tuning in in the first part of this episode. It's very likely that I will not be able to record it all in one sitting in my hotel room, but I am tuning in from my birthplace of Virginia Beach, virginia. Outside of my hotel room is the boardwalk and the beautiful ocean, which is just so calming and nice to see. When I was four years old, I actually took a field trip to the ocean, which is just bringing back core memories, and being here is incredibly bittersweet. This is the first time that I've ever been to the place where I was born without my mother actually. So this is going to be a bit of a different episode, and so I want to preface that by saying that as I get into really a life update. So if you're not interested in that, then please meet me in another episode. But this one will be more of a life update. It won't be heavily about something specific in Christianity or spirituality or a book or anything of that nature, so just want to clear the air up front. I also want to give a trigger warning. If you are sensitive to topics about grief or loss parent loss in particular then I do want to be considerate about that and just say up front that this episode will go into my experience and so please do what you need to do to take care of yourself if you're not ready to hear that kind of conversation. That being said, if you are still here, then thank you and welcome again to Faithfully Uncool and welcome to a bit of a different episode. So over Holy Week this year of 2024, on March 30th 2024, my mother passed away and it's been an incredibly surreal past few months and a very difficult up and down past few months for my family.
Jasmyne:For those of you who have emailed me sorry that I have not gotten back to emails Faithfully Uncool is kind of a one woman show. I do all the editing, the recording the music, producing all of that stuff, and so I don't sorry I don't make the music, but I do all the editing, so, like adding the music and recording and all of that stuff. So, um, and also managing the inbox and things of the emails. So if I have been slow to respond or just have not responded at all, um, please know it's because it's just me and I've been pretty out of commission, um, while I try to hold down a nine to five job and grieve um at the same time and I know that I'll be grieving for my whole life, and the podcast is something that means a lot to me, and so I think I am ready to talk about it in this space. I certainly did not want to return to the podcast and not mention it, because it is such a large part of my life. That was my mother um, and I want to be able to speak about it. It's cathartic to me, and so hopefully this episode helps those of you who have been through this experience as well and may find, um, what I am going through or things that have been a bit helpful to me. Hopefully those things can be helpful to you. It's really hard to kind of know where to start. Totally so I think for me I am just going to share an Instagram post that I posted an Instagram post that I posted and then from there we can kind of move into what I'd like to discuss about my grief journey at this point. My mother passed away on March 30th 2024.
Jasmyne:Holy Saturday, the day where many churches have an Easter Vigil evening service in wait for Easter Sunday. Last year I stood with churchgoers outside sniffling in the cold weather, lighting one another's candles as we sang hymns about the Lord's crucifixion. This year, my tears were in mourning for someone I cannot believe is gone. If you'd told me at 20, you will turn 30 without your mom, I would have thought you were speaking to someone else. Surely not the woman I know. Not the one who took me to swim practices all summer before 8th grade, or called me the best of the best after a job interview, or who calmed me down when I got my first tattoo. Or who told me not to lose myself when I went to college. Who, a month before her death, I told when you're better, we'll go to the beach and she replied yeah, in that way that made me think better wouldn't come. Who told our children sorry when we learned she wouldn't make it, so we could say nothing to be sorry for as many times as she needed to hear it.
Jasmyne:I like Good Friday and Holy Saturday because I am morbidly wired to think that if I dare celebrate someone dying excruciatingly and returning, then it's still fitting to give the grief its due. In adulthood I found these holidays, which I didn't grow up celebrating, a welcome bomb from the awkward feeling of skipping to the quote-unquote joy of Easter without any solemn pauses. So, as I said goodbye to my mother this past Holy Saturday, it wasn't lost to me that she left on a day of Christological in-betweens and held breaths. And held breaths as if something cosmic between us knew this is my day to go. No-transcript, all right, y'all. So, as I said, I was right, could not record it all in one sitting and really I didn't want to. I wanted to go to the beach and have fun. So, coming at, you live still in Virginia, but from the DMV area, my normal place of residence.
Jasmyne:A little bit of time has passed since I recorded that very first portion that you heard at the beginning, where I started the podcast and then read through the Instagram post. So, coming back after a couple weeks to just get back into recording, had to take a pause for a moment and really just kick it off. How I think I want to kick this off Six months later now, in September, almost October I am just slowly trying to adjust to this new normal, one step at a time, and it can feel like that one step at a time is going through quicksand on one foot and walking through mud on the other foot. Half the time. I'm sinking, moving slowly and sometimes in pain, but it is okay. I think that I'm at the point where there are days where I do find hope and I can see goodness, and in that vein, I wanted to share some things that have been very helpful because, as this episode title says, there is a forceful rest of grief.
Jasmyne:A forceful rest of grief. So what do I mean by that? What I mean is sometimes, even when we're not ready to feel an emotion is sometimes, even when we're not ready to feel an emotion, we have to understand that the emotion is still there, and so something that my therapist, I remember, told me was you will have moments where the grief is going to be very heavy, and while I don't want you to drown in those moments. You should let yourself feel them, you should let yourself cry, you should let yourself have moments where you take breaks. All of that is important. You have to listen to your body, you have to listen to yourself, because there is no right or wrong way. Grief is not on a schedule. You have to be very aware of that.
Jasmyne:If you're experiencing heavy emotion, it has to be released, right, you know. Find a moment where you can release it in something that is positive. And I've seen this online a lot too, this quote that really says that, like grief or heavy emotion, it has to go somewhere, has to go into painting, into art, into writing, into whatever it is that drives you into how you can release it. Maybe it doesn't look like crying, but it looks like something else. But you have to pour out your emotion some way, in a healthy way, and for me, part of that is this podcast.
Jasmyne:Like I said, there's something cathartic about being able to speak about my mother without being overcome by heavy emotion and tears, and, of course, I'm going to miss her for my whole life. There's no other alternative to that. As the famous quote goes, grief is love with nowhere to go, and if love is endless, then grief has an endless nature to it as well. But, as we recognize that, that doesn't mean that we never get to a point where we're able to sort of see some kind of light at the end of that grief tunnel, so to speak. So when I say that there's a forceful rest of grief, I mean that grief can force you, even when you're trying not to feel it. It can force you to take that break, to take that rest, because it can be a very powerful experience, an overpowering experience, something that resonated with me as I was thinking about this episode and in the beginning, as I tried to remind myself that, if I experienced heavy emotion, to just let it out, to let it out in poetry, that I was writing, to let it out in tears, to let it out in journaling.
Jasmyne:Something that I was thinking about a lot is and this is for my Gilmore Girl fans. If you're not a Gilmore Girl fan, I'll explain it to you. But there is a to me famous episode of Gilmore Girls, but maybe it really resonated with me, but maybe it did or didn't resonate with other people, I have no idea. In my head it's famous because all of Gilmore Girls feels like it's just like a cult classic at this point. People are obsessed with it. People are like, oh my gosh, it's autumn time for Gilmore Girls. Like people are so into it. It's like pumpkin spice latte, gilmore Girls on fall leaves changing. Now we're in autumn like quintessential fall time.
Jasmyne:But the thing is is that in Gilmore Girls, the main character, one of the main characters, the daughter Rory, her first boyfriend, Dean. He breaks up with her and sidebar here. But I always thought the reason that Dean broke up with Rory was trash. I think that anytime someone says I love you, they should be prepared for the fact that you might not be ready to say it back, but the fact that he was like no, I can't do it and broke up with her was just like. I thought that was trash even as a 10-year-old, and I was really too young to watch it, to be fair. But I grew up with parents that really did not censor my television, so there's a little nugget about my childhood for you. However, I remember watching that scene on TV, maybe not exactly when it was like brand new, but at least when Gilmore Girl Rewinds were very common on TV at least, and I recall that scene. Even as a 10 year old, or however I was, when I first saw that particular episode I thought it was trash. I thought it was trash and I stand by that. I stand by that my inner child knew what she was talking about. Anyways, they were teenagers, so I'll give it a pass there.
Jasmyne:But just FYI, like if you tell someone you love them and they're not ready to say it back, you have to understand that before you take the risk to say that, if you need to hear a very specific thing after saying I love you to someone, maybe wait a little bit before you say it, because you might not hear that very specific thing. Okay, and so this breakup happens. Lorelai, rory's mother she tells Rory she's like hey, you need to wallow, take some time out, process your emotions. This is the loss of, like, your first real relationship. You're sad, you're grieving a breakup. Take some time. Rory is like cool, no, thank you. And throws herself into her work. She's at this private school, she wants to go to Harvard, so she's, you know, throwing herself into all of her work, bypassinging all of her emotions, not really feeding into them at all.
Jasmyne:And there is this scene towards the end of the episode, after we as the viewers have kind of watched Rory bypass all of these heavy feelings, where her mother, lorelai, comes in and Rory is like sitting on the couch I want to say with a tub of ice cream, if I remember and she's crying and she looks at her mom and she's like I think I'm ready to wallow now because these emotions have caught up with her and I think there may have been something in the episode where she ran into Dean or something like that, but she's just getting to this point where she can't ignore the fact that she is in pain. And that's something that I've had at the back of my head as I've gone through, and as I do go through, this period of great loss in my life with my mother, that I have to find moments where it is okay to wallow, even if I don't want to, even if I want to push through, because I have goals and I have things that I want to do and there are other stuff competing for my attention and I and my job is high demand and other things are moving around me and I feel very much a lot of the times like it's just me. I'm the only one who can rely on me and I'm by myself, I'm alone, and that's not always the best, the best way to think at all. But there is this sense where you have this idea and I think this comes up with Black women a lot where we have like this strong Black woman archetype or trope, where you're sort of understood to be like your resilience and your strength is is seen as like a reward or a good thing about you is seen as like a reward or a good thing about you. Like that hyper independence is seen as a good thing, and it is a good thing, right, there's nothing wrong with that. But I think that what can happen is that very easily it can go from I'm independent, I'm strong, I got this, and it can almost turn into you telling yourself, if you're not careful, that you don't have the right to step back, you don't have the right to rest, you don't have the right to relax. Strength is what you're supposed to be and you have to be careful that you don't do that, regardless of who you are, what your background is. You have to be careful that you don't do that, regardless of who you are, what your background is. You have to be careful that you don't do that, even subconsciously.
Jasmyne:One of the most powerful things that I have read is that rest is productive. When my mother was here with us, she told me one day, when I said, man, today was not very productive, she said you know what? Every day doesn't have to be productive, and that's so powerful you have to be careful that you are not suffering in silence. Being this hero, you don't owe it to anyone to do that. Something very difficult. And it's so interesting because I've heard this and I really do agree that sometimes something feels hard. Because it is hard, I think a lot of times we are automatically ready to tell ourselves you know what, I can get through this, or I should be able to do this, or what's going on, and that's just not fair. There are days where you are going to crash and you need a wallow on the couch and you know what. That's okay. And so something else that's really been resonating with me is that as we deal with this forceful rest of grief, that grief changes us, that who we were before we lost that special person is not who we are afterwards.
Jasmyne:I knew in just a common sense portion of my brain it was really helpful to have a friend who had been through a parent loss as well state this to me that hey, you're just, you're a different person and there it's not like you're going to magically get back to that version of you magically get back to that version of you, and I think that that is something that's really helpful to understand and, as I've been thinking about it for myself, I think this is helpful not in a wow so the dreams and goals and wishes that I had are all gone and they don't matter. You know, I'm just supposed to sit here and be this sack of sad all the time, like I feel like I can be such a cynical person, but clearly I don't think that was what my friend meant at all. I'm just very cynical and antsy and jaded sometimes. But what I think many people mean when they say that and what I understand it to mean mean is that you are you, but you are a version of you that lives without them, and that means that some things might be different for you. Some things that you wanted might be different. You might look at life in a different way.
Jasmyne:I'm 30, but I recognize that life is extremely short and so certain priorities that I had it's not that they've all shifted or they've disappeared. It's just that now I'm thinking a lot more about what I want my future to look like and the things that I really admired about my mom and how I wish to honor her, and so that does shape certain decisions and things that I do in ways that I think, certain decisions and things that I do and ways that I think. And so it's not that I'm a version of myself that is antithetical to who I was before or some kind of enemy to who I was before. It's just that I'm a version of myself that makes sense for this experience that I have been through. And in that understanding that you're a new person, in that understanding that grief is sort of forcing you to rest and reflect, I think what can also happen, at least in my experience, is a little bit of the opposite. So there's the forceful rest of grief and facing the heavy emotions that you're experiencing, there's also restlessness of grief that I have when you reflect on the shortness of life. You want to take advantage of more joy. You want to take advantage of doing the things that make you happy, of taking the worthy risks and the chances and the opportunities that are presented to you. You want to go after the things that you really want, because you recognize that life is short, and so that's the good thing, I think, about the recognition that life is so precious and that death comes for all of us is just the understanding that the time that we have has to be used to its full fruitfulness and goodness, to help the world and others around us and to be the best version of who we can be.
Jasmyne:Even in this life, we lead with grief when we're missing someone, and I think that that's something that has really helped me in some ways, even though certain parts of my priorities may have shifted a little bit or changed a little bit given this life changing experience of losing my mother. There is another part of me that understands I am so determined and I'm so focused on what I want. Not that I wasn't before, but I'm almost more laser focused now. It's almost like you know, the focus got sharper because I now recognize it within the frame of hey, nothing is promised to you, life isn't promised to you, you got to go get it, and so that's really how I see it, and so I think that that's such a significant way to really kind of come away with things.
Jasmyne:I was talking to someone the other day and I said you know, grief doesn't give you a lot of gifts, in my opinion. However, I think if it gives you one gift, one of them might be for myself, that there are certain things that I just don't care about as much anymore, not because, you know, I'm trying to be a rude person or anything, but because I just look at them in the grand scheme of life and I'm like you know what? This isn't going to matter, right, like this situation literally isn't life or death. You know, something crazy happens at work or, you know, in another place or some area of my life. Somebody ticks me off.
Jasmyne:I have something in my life saying like you know, hey, this is, this is going to blow over. There have been worse things. You've experienced worse pain. You've witnessed worse experiences, worse things. This will be okay. You, you will survive things. This will be okay, you will survive, and I think that there's a strength in that, there's a strength in the resiliency of that, and so, hopefully, I'm conveying that well, and I'm not saying that if you're someone who's grieving, you need to somehow look on the bright side. I'm not that kind of person, have the experience that's authentic to you. I will not ask anyone to or tell anyone that they should be looking at losing a loved one a particular way.
Jasmyne:This is just how I have been able to approach this on certain days at certain times right, because none of this is linear that I'm reminded hey, the world is a lot bigger and life is a lot bigger than this small thing. That may have bothered me before I went through this particular tragedy that I've gone through. So it's offered me new perspective and I think that that's just really something that I will carry with me for life. And so if there is any version of a gift, that would be it. If there is any version of a gift, that would be it. So there you have it, y'all. Thank you so so much for staying this long, if you are still here, if you've listened to this episode of Ramblings on Grief and where I am right now and how this has affected me thus far, because, like I said, we know that nothing is linear, that I'm so appreciative that you have tuned in to hear my voice and taken this time to just process where I am and listen to that. So you are a real friend, a real GOAT MVP. Appreciate you very, very much.
Jasmyne:As far as resources that have helped me process, especially those online resources, I will leave them in the show notes so I can just make sure that I leave just a proper list and don't leave anything out, or maybe a podcast episode description. Usually it's in there, but I also keep stuff for each episode on my website, faithfullyuncoolcom, so please do check there as well for resources that you might want or notes that I might mention in an episode, outside of resources that I'm reading or joining or listening to, etc. I also, as far as a spiritual practice, I still go to church, actually at the time of recording. It's really, really cool because today I just recently got confirmed and I've never been confirmed before. So, yes, I got confirmed as an adult in the Episcopalian tradition, which is very, very cool.
Jasmyne:I'm really excited, and this is a perfect example of how grief is not linear. I'm extremely excited today. I'm so happy. I am also really sad because my mother would have been all over this day with me. She would have come, it would have been a big deal for her and she would have loved it, but that was not the case, right, and so, while I am so grateful for those that were there, I'm always thinking of the fact that she was not, because we were prayer buddies and, you know, spiritual buddies. We did Bible study together. So there is a part of my faith that is integral to the relationship that I had with my mother, and that is just a fact of life, right, right.
Jasmyne:So, yes, we cry and we smile in the same moment, which reminds me of one of the most famous parts of the movie Inside Out 2 to me is when Joy is about to go on the elevator and the character Sadness tells her oh, maybe I should hang back and not go with you to where you're going to go. And Joy says remember, sadness, there's nowhere I go that you can going to go. And joy says remember, sadness, there's nowhere I go that you can't come to. And so that is just so important to remember that joy and sadness, they often just reside in our heart side by side. It's not one or the other. There's no way to split ourself in half and still survive. We got to carry the whole thing.
Jasmyne:This also makes me think of LaVon Briggs' book Sensual Faith. There's just a quote that really, really resonated with me from her book. I finished the book Sensual Faith recently, and the quote reads if you invite grief across the threshold and into your home, joy will come alongside it. If you take a deep dive into your pain, comfort will be there waiting. If you allow yourself to go into the center of your suffering, beloved one, rejoicing will meet you there. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning, and she spells morning. M-o-u-r-n-i-n-g. And so I think that that's really beautiful to remember, and so messages from writers and movies and all kinds of random stuff that I see that remind me that joy and sadness are, they go hand in hand, they're not separated those have really been resonating with me, and so that's not necessarily a spiritual practice, but more like a spiritual reminder. So just wanted to include that in this portion as well and want to thank all of you for being here.
Jasmyne:Grief journeys look different for all of us. I'm the youngest of four children. My parents were married for nearly 43 years, so that's me and my siblings, my dad. We are all processing the loss of my mother. But grief looks different for all of us, and so we can't compare ourselves to someone else's journey, just like we don't want to do that with any other deep emotion. We have to just process how we are experiencing it, and I humbly submit this episode and hope that it did some good for you, especially if you are grieving yourself from a loss, a breakup, a change of you know, a life-altering change in your life. I just really hope that this provided some level of comfort, hope and reminder that you are not alone and that God deeply loves you. So with that, my friends, thank you, I appreciate you and, as always, go in peace.
Jasmyne:A reading of the obituary of Lisa Harper. With heavy hearts but grateful for the profound love she shared, we bid farewell to our beloved mother, lisa Anita Harper. Born with a radiant smile. Lisa earned the nickname Joy in her Jamaican homeland and she carried that spirit with her throughout her life's journey. Her laughter was infectious, her warmth boundless and her love unconditional. Lisa embraced life's adventures with grace and courage, starting with her move to the United States at the age of 12. From that moment, she immersed herself in her new American life.
Jasmyne:Lisa was a devoted military wife, a nurturing homemaker and a compassionate nurse. Her resilience and resourcefulness knew no bounds and she faced every challenge with unwavering strength. Despite her petite stature, lisa's presence filled any room she entered. Her sharp wit and quick humor were legendary, capable of cutting through any tension with charm and grace. She may have been 5'2", but her spirit was towering.
Jasmyne:Lisa's passions were as diverse as her talents. She found solace in the pages of books, delighted in creative pursuits, and loved shopping at Sephora, amassing an envious makeup collection. Her love of beauty and elegance make it no surprise that her husband, danny, always called her pretty. Lisa also savored the joys of great food shared with good company. Above all, her greatest joy was her family.
Jasmyne:Lisa is survived by her husband, Danny B. Harper, of 43 years, her four children, Natasha, Danny, Christopher and Jasmyne, her granddaughter Soulstice, and her son-in-law, Dr Matthew Levy. To them, she was not only a mother but also a beacon of love and support. Lisa will also be greatly missed by her mother, Myrtle Johnson, and siblings Roy, Rocky, Ian and Gillian. Lisa's tenacity and resilience never wavered, even during her time in hospice. Lisa fought the good fight, kept her faith and always supported her family.
Jasmyne:Lisa passed in the comfort of her home, surrounded by her children and her granddaughter. The family thanks all of those who continuously visited, called, left food and supported them through this difficult period. The love was felt by friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and more testimony to the powerful impact Lisa had on everyone blessed to know her. As we mourn this loss, let us also celebrate the immeasurable love and joy Lisa brought into our lives. Lisa was a mother to all who needed her nurturing embrace, offering kindness and guidance without hesitation. Though she may no longer walk among us, her spirit will forever live on in our hearts, a testament to the enduring power of love. Rest in peace, Lisa. Know that you are deeply cherished and will be profoundly missed.
